Third Thursday of Advent
Scripture Reading for Today:
Closer Than My Breath
by Kenda Reimer
Advent. Waiting for God to come close. Our passages today remind us that our God is an intimate God. He likes close proximity to us. They also show a progression of intimacy moving God’s presence from an Ark that could be carried and God’s presence connected to a physical location to the incarnation where Jesus is God actually walking on earth among people. Finally, we see in the New Testament that God now lives in us by His Spirit.
For me, looking back over these last few years (7 to be exact) God has had me on a journey of experiencing, to a greater degree, this same progression of God changing my awareness of His proximity. This was nothing new theologically, but my awareness was growing.
Seven years ago, our family of 5 felt God calling us to adopt. To make an extremely long and complicated story short, we adopted an 8 yr old boy from another community in BC. This started a journey in my relationship with God that I was not expecting. All my life (I started following Jesus at 5 years old) I was taught and my experience verified, that when life got tough, when we are at the bottom, God is there. God is close – close enough to feel his presence. That is the gift in suffering. This was not the case for me this time.
My family was grieving the peace and joy we had in our home, we were experiencing anger like we’d never felt before and for me, the presence of God left. Oh sure, I could still hear his voice but not in the close way I longed for. I wanted the feeling that although this is hard, it is good - God is here and we feel Him carrying us. I vented to God quite regularly about my disappointment and feelings of abandonment. Where was He? There was no sin to confess rather we had stepped out in faith, said “yes” to His call and He left. Of course, theologically I knew He was near but that didn’t help. I was tired of believing despite how I felt. I had a picture in my head of me being like a 2-year-old child on a walk whose legs are tired and just can’t go on so she sits down and just cries for her parent to come and carry her. Yes, I know, beautiful picture and God comes and scoops up the little girl in his arms as he has done so many times before, right? Wrong. Instead, the only response I got was, “you’re not 2, get up.” I was not impressed.
In this same season, I began practicing centering or breath prayer – where you say a phrase over and over in time with your breathing and allow your mind to focus on Jesus. My breath prayer was (and still often is), “breathe deep, breathe deep the breath of God.” I would picture God’s breath filling every fibre of my being bringing life and His presence – most times I felt nothing. I kept doing this more out of discipline and longing than it actually being a rich time with Jesus. It mainly kept my heart in a posture of trusting. One time as I was doing this I had a millisecond picture of God’s face against mine – so close like he was giving me breath. Powerful snapshot but nothing changed in how I felt. Another time I had the thought, “you’re looking too far away.” Then it clicked. I was looking for God to come from somewhere and meet me where I was but the truth is, He was already there – closer than my breath. So close I couldn’t see Him. He was the one getting me out of bed every morning. He was the one controlling my tongue and giving me what I needed to parent a very hurting and challenging little boy as well as comfort my three other children. It felt like my strength and effort to do these things but in reality, it was (and is) Him in me. I’d like to say from that moment He felt close and it has been great. It hasn’t. He still doesn’t “feel close” in the way I would like but my perspective has changed. I’ve quit looking for Him to come and instead I go inward to pay attention to my soul and find peace with God at the core of my being. I’m amazed at a deeper level of the truth that Christ is IN me.
A phrase I often hear is, “God showed up” or “we’re praying God shows up” as if He is somewhere else and we need to somehow get His attention or persuade Him to act. We know that’s not true but our language subtly affects our perceptions and expectations. Another common idea is that we need God to come to rescue us – like my picture of the 2-year-old. There is a time for that – usually early in our walk with God. However, there comes a time where He says,
I’ve already rescued you.
I’m already here.
Quit looking out there for me.
I’m living inside you.
I’m already at work.
I’m present more than you know.
It’s an invitation to go deep, to switch our perspective from a God who is far away to our God who is in us, filling us; like a hand in a glove or air in a balloon. An invitation to mature in the relationship.
Life isn’t any easier for us. Engaging with the pain and sin of the world is painful but it reminds me that this is why Jesus came and is here now – living in us. Always present but often too close for us to see. However, when I pause, I can see His hand everywhere, sustaining everything and inviting me to meet him in what feels like the depths of my soul. He is here. He is present.
Maybe you resonate. Your prayers feel like they are bouncing off the ceiling. Your relationship with God feels more like dating long-distance. If you hear one more sermon talking about God coming closest in the dark, you’re going to lose it. The good thing is, your prayers don’t need to get through a ceiling. Maybe God has stepped just outside your awareness because He is inviting you to know Him in a new and deeper way. Maybe you’re looking too far away for Him. He isn’t “out there,” He’s inside - calling you to deeper intimacy and exposing the subtle paradigms you have Him or yourself boxed in. He is in you. He is closer than your breath.
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